Friday night was one of those nights spent jumping around 14th street. We started out heading up into the northern region of 14th at this bar I’ll dub “little Williamsburg NY ”. It met the new DC hipster code of not having the name of your bar on the door because only the cool hipster word of mouth would let you know it’s there. It only had a red hat pictured on the door. This place was so hardcore hipster that all their beers came in cans, just so you can get that authentic hipster feel. They take this shit seriously here, more hardcore hipster than Black Cat. What really made the place standout was the fact that instead of a DJ, patrons could hook up their Ipods and play their favorite shitty tracks. Moldy Peaches anyone! We came to wish a quick happy birthday but the guy to girl ratio was 6:1. We had to leave once some guy walked behind me and his boner brushed up against my bottom…. Ewww.

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We took a cab (Big hipster no no) down to our favorite bar Marvin where the crowd enjoys hipster type music while the DJ spins some tracks. The people here are at that age where they stopped feeling guilty about working for the man and being able to afford drinking bottled beer. They’ve realized that pretending to be too cool for corporate after you’ve gone to a good college is a little gay. They don’t mind being able to afford the nicer things in life. You can’t hate the man when you’ve become the man. Irony is not an excuse to drink Pabst Blue Ribbon and pretend to like it. Anyways, we’re standing in a little circle catching up with my XQB and some other friends. The inside bar is packed so room is a little tight. All of a sudden a guy comes through to get a beer from the hot lesbian bartender of my dreams. After he gets his beer he just stands their boxing out one of my female friends that was in our little circle talking. Dude is 6’4 and really doesn’t realize what he’s done (he’s also with a group of turtles) I politely let him know that he’s leaning back on my friend and has blocked her out of our circle. That’s when he replies with, “Technically I’m not leaning”

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That’s that passive aggressive smack down I heard emo hipster boys are famous for. I guess this is the point where I retort with some fancy “well, actually blah blah blah” as we both passively aggressively try and one up each other for supremacy. Now dude is 6’4, I’m only 5’10. So I lean in a little so he can hear me, lower my voice and say, “For real, I was trying to be polite, but if you want to be a dick about it, we can settle this another way” Sometimes one guy can look into another guys eyes and see a hint of Mel Gibson crazy (BOOK EM DANNY!). You can tell that man has done some serious fucked up shit in the past and honestly wouldn’t mind doing the same fucked up shit again just for the fun of it. Our new hipster friend took a look then did what any normal hipster dude would do when faced with actually having to take action instead of talking. He rolled his eyes and took three steps forward towards his group allowing my friend to have her spot back in the group. One thing I learned from bouncing in DC is the fact that EVERYBODY thinks they’re a tough guy. Someone should have told dude it’s hard to look tough when you have a copy of Voltaire hanging out of your back pocket.

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God has a funny sense of humor. An hour later I get a text from this little California hot thang telling me to come over to a “90’s” house party. We get there and I swear to God it’s an orgy of hipsters. I was glad I brought my white friend as a hipster translator. You see when hipsters throw hipster house parties, anything goes. Dudes were wearing shorts with roller skates on. I think I even saw a guy in a American Apparel Unitard. There were tons of flannel shirts. I can’t believe I didn’t see anyone wearing a cross colors jumpsuit. I looked up like, “Really God, are you serious”. Even the Hardcore Thugged out hipsters would have been impressed, but they wouldn’t have said anything because hipsters don’t get impressed they jut nod. Anyway California hard body gave my friend and I all the vodka we could drink and the story had a happy ending for me.

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